The Proposal.

 today was not my day. every single day is an emotional roller coaster. i get bombarded by feelings and realization all day. the pressure, the weight sits on my shoulders. will i collapse under this weight? at times it’s hard to even believe that this shit is real. i’ll feel on top of the world and king-like, but the next day it’s like all this progress disappeared and i’m left with the hurting, this pain that echoes throughout my whole body. i light my cigarette and that first puff, release. just for a split second, that release feels like heaven. i know, i’m relying on nicotine to cope with my problems, i’m a human being with vices. but today i wanted to talk about friendships. i have more things to write about tomorrow especially about this leech, the pain she caused, but today we talk about my ex bestfriend. it sounds stupid, but everyone knows the powerful connection of friendship between man and woman. i was really close to this woman, we did everything together. late night callings, wordle in the morning, and even just random yap sessions about nothing. she was someone who understood me, deep to my core. i wasn’t afraid to be who i was. we stopped talking about a year ago and it shattered me. i had to accept that i was no longer option #1 for her. things got serious with her boyfriend and someone had to go. i had to bite the bullet and out of love, i let it go. it was hard for me. if anyone knows, they know the version of me from 2017-2025. that guy i had to fucking kill. anyways, i was scrolling through instagram and i saw a post of hers. she got proposed to. i’m happy for her, she truly deserves all the best and the love in this world. a true angel she is. but what i feel inside is a silence no one would ever understand (to my degree). not sadness. not bitterness. just a kind of hollow ache. it’s like walking past your childhood home and realizing it’s someone else’s family living in it now. i saw her smile in that post. that ring, that moment….. for a second the air left my lungs. not because i wanted her to marry me. not because i wasn’t over her. but because deep down, i thought the version of us that laughed every night would somehow last forever. i don’t want her back. i don’t want to ruin anything. my life is good and i’m headed towards greatness but sometimes i just miss being someone she never had to schedule time for. and now? i’m just a name that’ll come up in old memories. a “we used to be close” when people ask. this is what growing up looks like, isn’t it? people moving on without malice. just life. i guess that’s what really hurts. she didn’t leave with hate, she left with love, just not the kind that stays. and maybe… that’s okay. maybe not all love is meant to last. some of it’s just meant to remind you of the man you were before the fire came. i’m not the boy who needs to be heard, the boy who stayed up refreshing convos, the boy that thought certain people were permanent. that version of me died, but it’s ghost still haunts me time to time like today. the weight, the ache and the sudden memory. i can’t collapse i’m too strong for that. i smoke my cigarette, take a fat drag, breathe and remember, i’m not the man who needs to be chosen. i’m the man who chooses. i’ve traded comfort for growth. attention for alignment and fantasy for reality. on the nights it hurts? i have to remind myself the pain means i’m still real. and the fact that i keep going through it, that i can feel this so deeply and still write is the same thing that makes me fucking unstoppable. i’m not just healing, i’m becoming the fucking proof. one day, we all will just become memories for the people of the past. so appreciate and love the way i do, cuz the pain that comes with love is bittersweet and ill take the cake that comes with mine. Makaveli out.


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